WHEN IN DOUBT

Dear friends,

I have been working on a book for a couple of months now. It’s not the first novel I’ve written. It’s hopefully not the last one.

But is it the one that will finally get published?

I have no idea.

This post is a hopeless act of improvisation during the painful period of change, when you just know that something is about to change, that you have to do something with your life, that a new course is coming, but you have no freaking idea what it is.

You feel useless.

You find yourself in doubt so often that you wish you just stopped with this stupid day dreaming, you tell yourself to just put an end to those naïve dreams and go and get used to the fact that life does not always give you everything you want.

And also, when will you finally clean your flat?

My friends, I am writing this post after sitting in the shower for ages and watching the water drip down the walls, hugging my knees to my chest and feeling like shite. And I am writing it because eventually, I did manage to get out. And go on.

I am doubting my book. I don’t know whether it is worth publishing, or whether it is just another false hope. I am doubting my ability to write in general, since no English speaking magazines want my short stories. I am doubting my life decisions. Myself. This very moment and this very post. Doubts, doubts, doubts.

And although I am sinking under all that weight, I am determined. I know that there is nothing else I can do than swim, swim, swim.

Write the fucking book.

Because what else is there? You either give up and live a sad disappointing life, or you give it all you have and open yourself to the chance of succeeding. You might still fail. For now. But people who don’t give up always get what they are after.

Why?

Because they don’t give up until they get it, that’s why. It’s as simple as that.

I do feel like I’m failing at the moment. But I also know that even with this feeling heavy as a stone in my stomach, I have to go on, because there is only one direction.

Forward.

Giving up is not an option.

NOT. AN. OPTION.

I am preaching to you, people, whatever you do, whatever doubts you have about yourself, do not ever turn back. I’m using my secret magic powers to make ‘giving up’ disappear from your dictionary! It’s crumbling apart, fading away, yep, that’s right.

Forward. Step by step.

As Samuel Beckett said:

‘You must go on. I can’t go on. I’ll go on.’

And with this I shall leave you and write those words in my novel to reach my daily limit.

And after all this constant work, one day there will be no daily limit anymore. The book will be done. The only way to get to that day is to go on, no matter the obstacles.

Denisa x

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