ISN’T SEX OVERESTIMATED?

I’ve grown up in a world where sex always has seemed to be very important. My family and I are surrounded by people (especially men, that’s the reason why I hated all people with a pennis until I was like 17) who cheat, lie and build their life on attraction and sex. Then I became friends with people from my theatre class and sex was one of the topics we used to talk about a lot. I just always thought that sex had an important role in life – and specially in relationships.

My first boyfriend, who I dated when I was only 14, used to call me a frigide when I didn’t want to make out with him. And looking back now I guess I knew it was wrong and I knew that conversatons were more important to me than making out everytime we saw each other. But you know how it goes – I was very young, naive and I wanted love. And I guess I always used to believe that sex was a huge proof of this concept  of an eternal love. I always needed a physical contact, even when I was older and I had a second boyfriend who it was so much more serious with.

But I remember that I wanted a hug the most. Not sex. A hug. And then things kind of went out of control. Everytime. And that was it. And poeple around me talked about sex and loved sex and based their relationships on sex and I thought it was just supposed to be this way. Even though deep down it didn’t feel right.

And thanks to this year and a half that I’ve been single so far, I have realised many things about myself and about relationships. When I was in Glasgow to visit my friend Veronika two months ago, we had an interesting conversation about sex and its importance in peoples’ lives and its absurdity. I’ve decided to write an article about it as this topic interests me and that conversation really opened my eyes (like most conversations with this lovely friend of mine).

Now, what is so appealing about sex? Well, it brings us satisfaction. And it makes us feel more connected if both sides do this out of love. And… that’s practically it.

What is good about satisfaction? It makes us very happy. For a moment. And then it’s gone. I’m not saying that sex and orgasm are useless – not at all. They help us feel relaxed, we can distract ourselves and satisfy our desires. But these desires are just one of those volatile ones – lust after a good food, lust after sex, lust after new clothes. We satisfy these needs and then the feeling’s gone. It’s done. We’re talking about one flicker of happiness, about feeling happy for one single moment and then letting it vanish. Then we can go back to our daily small problems and after a while we get bored and we start to feel this desire again.

But these things don’t improve our minds, our critical thinking, our happiness in general or our internal peace. Simply it doesn’t make us develop whatsoever. Sex is a physical action during which you stimulate the body of somebody else and they stimulate yours and you give each other a physical satisfaction. That is all. And if you love that person, you can get the feeling that it brings you closer together because it creates this atmosphere of mutual understanding and intimacy.

But we all know that sex is not enough for building a strong and steady relationship. It is not the key. The same intentions, the ‘soulmating’ as I would say, the mental part is the key to a loving relationship. Because if you are attracted to somebody, the sex can be good but the person can be a huge asshole who you don’t have anything in common with. And after that bright moment of orgasm you get annoyed because you spend your time with someone who doesn’t really understand your thoughts or hobbies.

Of course that the attraction is also very important since you do not want to spend your time with somebody who you don’t fancy. That’s stupid. Beauty doesn’t matter but attraction does.

I’m just saying that maybe people overestimate the sexual part of relationships. If two people don’t sleep together as often as others, they just HAVE TO have a problem, why else wouldn’t they do it? If they don’t feel the urge to have sex at least once a week, they are just SO weird.

I mean, seriously. Isn’t this so individual? And what does sex even say about a person? Since the begginings of a human culture there have been so many philosophers who kept telling us that mind and its cultivation was so much more important than lower body needs. And yet if people decide to cultivate their soul and if they make a promise not to ever sleep with somebody and go to a church, they are considered kind of weird. And everyone would say that they would never do it because they couldn’t live without sex. I get it, sex is great, but I really do think that people care about it a little too much.

There are more important things in life than sex. And the same can be said about relationships. The attraction vanishes after a few years of marriage. There are so many couples who sleep together just out of habit. And so many couples who don’t sleep together anymore and feel like it’s a huge problem because they are being pulled away from each other. But if your relationship sucks, in most cases it’s not because of sex. Sex doesn’t cause (mostly) or fix problems. It’s the mentality, it’s the love in the least erotic sense possible, it’s the friendship that you have built with your partner over the years. If the attraction vanishes, who the hell cares if you have a strong and steady friendship? But if there’s no friendship, the attraction is never enough. Bodies are never as important as minds are. Especially when it comes to love.

Denisa x

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Jan Drápal says:

    Nevím jestli odpovídat v češtině nebo v angličtině, ale aspoň si ajinu trošku procvičím 😀
    I kinda of get your point about sexual relations between partners or non-partners but you must understand one thing. Men and women are quite different when it comes to these things. From ancient times, men were programmed by hormones (mainly testosterone) to reproduce. If it werent for that piece of code in our DNA, humanity would already went extinct. Thats facts. It is known, that men take sex for some kind of relaxation and blow their steam off a little bit.
    Women on the other hand are generally more emotional. And it applies also to sex. Its also due to our DNA because woman hormones expect a baby after sex so brain automatically chooses a sexual partner which makes her feel good with other things than just sex. Thats brain searching for potential good father. It sounds kinda weird but human DNA didnt expect something like contraceptives.
    Its a little more complicated than that, but these are basic arguments. To summarize this. Men perceive sex a little less emotionally than women. Thats why most of them can have sex without being deeply in love with their sexual partner and without regret.
    On the other hand. Sex is important part of the relationship. Not crucial, but very important. And here is why. Man needs to know if the woman likes him. If he is attractive to her. Its really similar to women needs. But if you say “You are beautiful and attractive” man would not take it seriously. But if she shows him, that she wants him, by iniciating sexual activity, he will feel like a leader of the pack and sexually and psychically attractive (yes, also psychically, because men perceive that not only good looks matters). Orgasm and physical activity will make him relaxed and also fulfilled because the genes than perceive reproduction will award him for his effort. Men body just works like that. And thats not a feeling you can reproduct with masturbation. People think that women are difficult to understand. But sometimes, the same applies to men.

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    1. Děkuju za komentář. 🙂
      I understand what you mean, nature just works that way. What I wanted to point out was that sex is not as important as some people think it is. Of course, it is an important part of the relationship, but as I see it, the mental part still has a bigger role. And I don’t think it’s because I’m a woman – I know some boys who feel that way as well. And I think that a man who has a healthy level of self-esteem doesn’t need a woman to inicate a sexual activity to show him that he’s worth her love. Also, I know that the society has been almost always based on men and so it might be in their nature to want to feel like a leader of the pack, but it seems to me like the world is changing very quickly and especially in these matters. I personally think that men and women should feel equal and that applies to sex as well.

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      1. Jan Drápal says:

        First of all. Men and women will never be equal. And its right that way. We will have the same rights, and thats okay. But genders are so complicated things, that can never get equal unless we all have hormonal treatment. Which is insane 😀 Some types of works will be always more suited for men. Some will always be more suited for women. There of course will be exceptions, but we cannot beat the genetics unless we try to evolve which can take thousands of years. Of course same rights and opportunities should apply for both genders. But from some point of view we will never be equal.

        As for the part when I said that man’s self esteem wil rise when the woman initiates sex. It’s true. I have a lot of self-esteem but who doesn’t want to feel desirable? It applies to women as well.

        And I agree with you, that sex without love is very different from sex with love. Sex is more like cherry on top of a good relationship/ But without this cherry it loses some kind of spark. I’m a little too cynical about love so it could have an impact on my opinion. When feelings betray you too many times you feel like you’ll be better off without them 🙂

        But everyone is different. Some men don’t need sex that often and some women need sex even more than a regular men. It’s often based on our hormonal predispositions. Because some men have lowered their production of testosterone so urge to have sex is not that big. And for the other gender it applies as well but with different hormones (progesterone i think). Sex is more of an science thing but with love, it is even better 🙂

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      2. I think that we can both agree on the fact that it’s very individual. By this article, I also wanted to say that it’s not weird when someone doesn’t need sex that often. It might be normal for you to think so but there are many people around me who don’t really get it and consider these people weird. And by being equal I didn’t mean being the same. There are differences between the genders and we should embrace and cherish these differences. The world would be very boring without them. 🙂 I was going for the equal rights, opportunities (as you said) and for the partnership in the relationship and sex rather than one being ‘something more’ than the other. 🙂

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  2. Marek Volf says:

    I agree that sex is overrated. To be more precise, shallow form of sex typical for western culture. Anyway sex can be understood as part for reaching higher consciousness in yogi and tantric school. I don’t practice it (so far) but there are some useful tools in it for liberation from simple hunting of lust, especially for men. Tantra takes years of practice to reach mastery. So if both like it then there is no problem to practice tantra every day, not only by sexual practice. So I would not sideline the sex, but fulfil this part of relationship by deeper exploration for make it really powerful, not only to use it for discharging of desire.

    I definitely agree that “sex” doesn’t have to mean “intimacy” and “reaching orgasm” doesn’t have to mean “to have more intimate sex”. And quantity doesn’t have to mean quality.

    I think that sometimes we are so focused on synchronization of selfish desire of both that it harms to relationship. I hope that sometimes it’s great to simply enjoy the other’s pleasure without insisting on self-pleasure. I don’t know how others, but making woman to enjoy the lust is one of the most energizing things. So I see no problem if the one satisfy the other if one of them doesn’t share mood for “slide-in”. Of course, it should not be overused.

    Some time back in the past, I watched experiment of “30 days of sex” challenge… quite interesting results.
    I believe that this method could heal relationship in some aspects…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment, I’ll check out the video. 🙂

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