I’ve grown up in a world where sex always has seemed to be very important. My family and I are surrounded by people (especially men, that’s the reason why I hated all people with a pennis until I was like 17) who cheat, lie and build their life on attraction and sex. Then I became friends with people from my theatre class and sex was one of the topics we used to talk about a lot. I just always thought that sex had an important role in life – and specially in relationships.
My first boyfriend, who I dated when I was only 14, used to call me a frigide when I didn’t want to make out with him. And looking back now I guess I knew it was wrong and I knew that conversatons were more important to me than making out everytime we saw each other. But you know how it goes – I was very young, naive and I wanted love. And I guess I always used to believe that sex was a huge proof of this concept of an eternal love. I always needed a physical contact, even when I was older and I had a second boyfriend who it was so much more serious with.
But I remember that I wanted a hug the most. Not sex. A hug. And then things kind of went out of control. Everytime. And that was it. And poeple around me talked about sex and loved sex and based their relationships on sex and I thought it was just supposed to be this way. Even though deep down it didn’t feel right.
And thanks to this year and a half that I’ve been single so far, I have realised many things about myself and about relationships. When I was in Glasgow to visit my friend Veronika two months ago, we had an interesting conversation about sex and its importance in peoples’ lives and its absurdity. I’ve decided to write an article about it as this topic interests me and that conversation really opened my eyes (like most conversations with this lovely friend of mine).
Now, what is so appealing about sex? Well, it brings us satisfaction. And it makes us feel more connected if both sides do this out of love. And… that’s practically it.
What is good about satisfaction? It makes us very happy. For a moment. And then it’s gone. I’m not saying that sex and orgasm are useless – not at all. They help us feel relaxed, we can distract ourselves and satisfy our desires. But these desires are just one of those volatile ones – lust after a good food, lust after sex, lust after new clothes. We satisfy these needs and then the feeling’s gone. It’s done. We’re talking about one flicker of happiness, about feeling happy for one single moment and then letting it vanish. Then we can go back to our daily small problems and after a while we get bored and we start to feel this desire again.
But these things don’t improve our minds, our critical thinking, our happiness in general or our internal peace. Simply it doesn’t make us develop whatsoever. Sex is a physical action during which you stimulate the body of somebody else and they stimulate yours and you give each other a physical satisfaction. That is all. And if you love that person, you can get the feeling that it brings you closer together because it creates this atmosphere of mutual understanding and intimacy.
But we all know that sex is not enough for building a strong and steady relationship. It is not the key. The same intentions, the ‘soulmating’ as I would say, the mental part is the key to a loving relationship. Because if you are attracted to somebody, the sex can be good but the person can be a huge asshole who you don’t have anything in common with. And after that bright moment of orgasm you get annoyed because you spend your time with someone who doesn’t really understand your thoughts or hobbies.
Of course that the attraction is also very important since you do not want to spend your time with somebody who you don’t fancy. That’s stupid. Beauty doesn’t matter but attraction does.
I’m just saying that maybe people overestimate the sexual part of relationships. If two people don’t sleep together as often as others, they just HAVE TO have a problem, why else wouldn’t they do it? If they don’t feel the urge to have sex at least once a week, they are just SO weird.
I mean, seriously. Isn’t this so individual? And what does sex even say about a person? Since the begginings of a human culture there have been so many philosophers who kept telling us that mind and its cultivation was so much more important than lower body needs. And yet if people decide to cultivate their soul and if they make a promise not to ever sleep with somebody and go to a church, they are considered kind of weird. And everyone would say that they would never do it because they couldn’t live without sex. I get it, sex is great, but I really do think that people care about it a little too much.
There are more important things in life than sex. And the same can be said about relationships. The attraction vanishes after a few years of marriage. There are so many couples who sleep together just out of habit. And so many couples who don’t sleep together anymore and feel like it’s a huge problem because they are being pulled away from each other. But if your relationship sucks, in most cases it’s not because of sex. Sex doesn’t cause (mostly) or fix problems. It’s the mentality, it’s the love in the least erotic sense possible, it’s the friendship that you have built with your partner over the years. If the attraction vanishes, who the hell cares if you have a strong and steady friendship? But if there’s no friendship, the attraction is never enough. Bodies are never as important as minds are. Especially when it comes to love.