When you don’t want to lose somebody, is it because you love them? When you’re jealous, is it because you love your girl/boy/friend? When you want to see your partner every single day, is it love? And what is love?

I’ve heard this phrase like a thousand times. “I’m jealous because I love him.” Or “I don’t want to let her go because I love her.” But do we really feel these things because of our love for others?

I personally think that jealousy is nothing else than a self-love. If you’re afraid you’d lose somebody, it is not because you love them – because if you did, you would let them go and you would feel happy for them. No. It’s because you love yourself. During that relationship with that person, you got used to them, you fell in love with them, you simply love them. But when jealousy and possessiveness come, that is just a selfish need to own that person forever, it’s just admitting that you think you possess your partner. You want them to be yours so you could be happy and content.

Sex is not love. It can be great and it can make your love stronger but the act itself is not love. Being in love is not love. Being in love is that magical feeling when you start being obssesed with someone, when you adore every single thing about that person, when you feel like the whole world is complete. But I think that’s just simply not love, that’s attraction and many other things but love.

So what IS LOVE?

To me, love means that you truly care about the other person and the important thing is that you do not want anything in return – you love without expecting to be loved. I know, it’s hard because we hate the feeling of loneliness, the feeling like nobody loves us and nobody wants us and we’re a freaking garbage. But that’s once again a self-love.

Don’t get me wrong, self-love is VERY important and everyone should love themselves. But we all have our limits. We need to love ourselves and be comfortable in our own bodies, we need to be content with being who we are. But we need to accept that the universe is not about us. The universe doesn’t even care. We need to be important to ourselves but we need to realize that we’re not that important when it comes to the global view and other people.

We love our parents. We love our pets. We love our friends. We love our partners. But the thing is that everyone always seems to think that loving a partner and loving a friend is different. And why? Because when it comes to the relationship, jealousy and possessiveness come? I mean, there is a big difference when it comes to intimacy. But I think intimacy is never as important as friendship. And friendship is the most important thing in your relationship. It seems to me that this love-relationship is just a friendship with an intimacy bonus, haha.

But when you lose your partner, you lose a friend. And that’s what you miss the most (or should miss the most, I guess). You miss their personality, you miss their smile, you miss them. When you lose a friend, you miss them as well. I know that losing a partner often hurts so much more, but that’s just because they have become our best friends. Plus self-love comes.

I don’t know why but our society has made us believe that our partner is the one who should give us all the love in the world. And our friends should just watch and then start dissapearing so our partner and we could live forever together.

Why does it seem so weird to so many people when two people who date each other don’t see each other for a couple of months? Or even weeks? I mean, the relationship is not mainly about having sex every few days and being in a physical contact. I personally think that if you love someone, you care enough not to cheat on them or forget about them. And you don’t need to see them every day. Your love is not physical. Of course you miss them – but that is sometimes very good.

If two people who love each other want to travel but each of them wants to go someplace else, why is it wrong? I’m being kinda sentimental and weird here but I really believe that if you’re meant to be with that person, you will meet them again. (I’m talking about travelling here but of course that if you and your partner live in the same town and you don’t get to see them for ten days, that’s not very pleasant – if both sides don’t mind, it’s alright, but otherwise there’s clearly something wrong.)

I guess that’s what I wanted to say. Let them breathe. Let them go. And don’t say you love them when there’s only self-love hidden behind those words.I know what I’m talking about, haha. I’ve done this. And I’ve learnt. I hope that maybe someone can learn from this as well.

If you truly love someone, you don’t only love them – you love the whole world.

Denisa x


5 Comments Add yours

  1. Marek Volf says:

    I have very similar perspective about the “Love Paradigma”. I have started to ask myself for question “Was this love?” after my first intimate relationship. And then I started to realize that there is something wrong in perception of “love” in our society.

    But I was also surprised why this stereotype is still alive if most of us have chance to learn from catharsis after first real “heartbreak”. It seems to be so obvious. And what more, this issue exists practically in the most of main societies of the current world. The mainstream concept of love, in my opinion, has to have roots in ancient history as tool for monarchs to control their people. It’s simply impractical and instable to have diversified people that don’t equal love and adoration to keep monolythic nation. “For the love to the king!”, “For the love to the God!”. The most of mandatory literature in schools nowdays still describes the romantic possessive kind of love. We are simply brainwashed by books, movies, music, media… So it’s not easy to find the non-destructive way of love. Do you have some concept of the origin of the current state?

    I’m also attaching some sources that were influential for me…

    Great short video on this topic is cut from the UNITY movie (second movie of Earthlings trilogy). The whole movie is amazing… like someone would take your amazing blog and put it on the screen on the screen.

    The big issue that I see, is the fact that word “LOVE” was stolen so many times for so many utilitarian purposes that makes this word devaluated or trouble-making. Someone consider the proof of love if he cut the head of someone another with different religion.

    Maybe one day, vague word LOVE will be replaced by not so euphonic but much more self-descriptive word EXTENSIONALITY. Or at least, peole schould distinguist “extensive” and “intensive” form of love. Here is insporative interview with Jacques Fresco (author of Venus Project) about love and defending extensionality…

    Nice inspirative video in Czech is also part of The Four Agreements performance by Jaroslav Dušek.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment. I totally agree, the wrong concept of Love has been in our history for ages. I’ve also realised the true meaning of Love only after the first serious break up. It is a mystery to me how so many people continue trying to possess and own people and they call it love even after this whole ‘break up enlightenment’. I guess they just haven’t experienced it as we have.

      I’ve seen Unity, it’s an amazing documentary. Haha, I still have a long way to go in order to be as influential and good as Unity is, but thank you.

      I really like the difference between ‘intensive’ and ‘extensive’. When we love, we should open ourselves to the world, and not just keep all the love inside in order to feel it more intensively. Because I don’t think that we are capable of keeping such an immense thing as Love only in one person. People should share and spread the Love.

      I have read The Four Agreements and I’ve really liked it. I will check it out. 🙂


    2. I’ve also quite changed my opinion when it comes to the self-love topic. Erich Fromm has taught me that being jealous doesn’t only mean that we don’t love our partner, it also means that we don’t love ourselves. Jealousy and the desire to own prove that we don’t love anyone and most of all our own body and mind. If everyone loved themselves, they would not suffer from low self-esteem and they would not suspect their partner of cheating. I will once write an update on this post because there’s more that needs to be said about Love.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Marek Volf says:

        I denied jealousy some time before I had the chance to be jealous by (maybe a little prejudiced, I know) rationalization that it’s simple lack of trust to partner. Or it’s based on rating of the partner according to own values or own preferred behavior. Not all, but a lot of jealous people are that ones that have at least experience with cheating from their side or they are not sure if they won’t do it if they have the chance of cheating. Feelings are usually mutual so if some jealous thoughts came to my mind, I asked myself if I feel that my girlfriend would do it. And if I would answer “yes” , then it should signify some deeper problem in our relationship. But it’s only my point of view and reality could be different. I have not some really deep relationship where both resonate by core values.

        One other issue that blocks this personal emotional growth is the fact that it’s very often that people are going from one relationship directly to another. They will not give a break to themselves which is, in my opinion, crucial for thinking about their relationship and themselves, moving forward. I remember that this time was very important for me. Thanks to searching of some higher universal form of love and empathy I became open-minded for animal liberation topics etc.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I completely agree, I also needed to be alone so I could learn to love myself and other beings, not just partners. I also became vegan only after that. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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